As always thank you so much for taking the time to read these chapters. It literally means so much to me. Like millions of other people I strive one day to have a book published. Nothing would make me happier then having the chance to put a little more creativity in the world.
I know I need an editor…I am HORRIBLE in that regard, however hard I do try. At any rate, thank you for following me, sharing my posts, and giving me your feedback, it is always VERY helpful.
Get caught up before diving into Chapter 10
- Discovering Wonderland (Chapter One)
- Discovering Wonderland (Chapter Two)
- Discovering Wonderland (Chapter 3-5)
- Discovering Wonderland (Chapter 6)
- Discovering Wonderland (Chapter Seven)
- Discovering Wonderland (Chapter 8)
- Discovering Wonderland (Chapter 9)
- Discovering Wonderland (Chapter 10)
- Sexual content
- Explicit Language
I thought about breaking it off with Steven after what happened with Archer in October but in the end, I didn’t. I technically cheated on Steven and that made me feel like a terrible person. A person I never thought I would be. I wanted to come clean with Steven but it wasn’t like I could go up to him and say, ‘Hey, I had the steamiest moment of my life with our teacher Mr. O’Connor.’
No, that wouldn’t go over well, so I was forced to lie to him and that was awful. He didn’t deserve that. He deserved better then me and I felt selfish for hanging on to him.
I liked Steven a lot and it almost felt like if I had never met Archer I could have fallen for him. As it stood though, I wasn’t sure if I could ever get over what happened on top of that piano. My body still tingled at the thought of it. I replayed what happened in my mind over and over again because I never wanted to forget a single moment. I wanted to remember that he tasted like cinnamon and smelled like thieves. I wanted to remember how hot his breath felt against mine and his callused hands under my dress. I may not have experienced much in my life but I was smart enough to know that passion that deep and kisses like that, are once in a lifetime. I knew I would never be kissed like that again so I wanted to remember it, savor it.
Regretfully, Archer and I were in different stages of life and I highly doubted we would ever be on the same page at the same time. Then the hardest realization of all though, was knowing I had to grow up. As much as I wanted Archer in my life now and as much as I wanted to explore what I know would be an earth shattering romance, I couldn’t because I needed to discover myself first. I couldn’t expect Archer to sit around waiting for me. Wait until I was grown up enough to be ready for marriage and children. And even if he did wait who knew if our relationship would come to that?
They say that when you meet the one you know beyond a shadow of a doubt. So where does that leave me if I felt as if Archer could be the person I was meant to be with but I wasn’t ready for that kind of love yet. Where did that leave him?
All we could do was move on and enjoy what we had in front of us. Archer offering me a friendship was risky for him but I would take what I could get. It was better to have him in my life as friend then not have him at all. I admired that he was such a respectable guy. The simple truth was that you didn’t find men like him very often. He was the gem most woman were looking for. I couldn’t expect him to turn all of that down and wait for my cocoon to hatch.
So I stayed with Steven because he was my age, I liked him a lot, he was funny, good looking, and he made me happy. Mostly though he made me feel special and I liked the way he wanted to be with me. It was nice to be wanted, to feel someones need for you.
Archer invited me over to his house yesterday, or I invited myself, either way I was looking forward to tomorrow morning. It was Friday and I had just finished practice when Steven meet me at my car.
He grabbed me and slammed me into the drivers side door, cupping my face in his hands, and pressed himself against me, “I missed you today.”
“You saw me in dance class, which by they way we are totally rocking.” It was true. Mrs. Bellefleur said we had amazing chemistry and that she looked forward to our final performance.
“Dance class is never enough,” Steven said before he kissed me long and hard. It took me a little while before I was ok with being intimate with Steven. At first it felt wrong knowing what Archer and I had done but I realized that if I wanted to keep him in my life, I had to bleach that memory away. I pushed into Steven’s kiss wanting more of him. I wasn’t going to lie, every piece of my body craved him, wanted him, and needed him as the ultimate distraction. Steven grabbed my thigh and wrapped it around him and then did the same with my other leg until I was pinned between him and the car. Things were getting more fiery between us lately, like he couldn’t get enough of me. I enjoyed that he wanted me so much.
“NOT IN THE PARKING LOT! TAKE IT SOMEWHERE ELSE!” We both startled to see Principal Bain, a small balding man, yelling at us from across the staff parking lot. It was late enough in the evening that the parking thought was mostly empty. Of course Archer was behind Principal Bain and was looking at me somberly before quickly turning away. Archer always left his room a couple minutes after I did so I should have been more cautious, but what was the point? We were never going to be together romantically so shouldn’t I just live my life? This was all so confusing.
“He is right, lets go to my place. My mom is out of town this weekend.” Steven whispered in my ear sending shivers down my spine. The kiss I had with Archer was extraordinary and surreal but Steven still made me feel good, but in a different way. A hormonal way.
“I’ll follow you there,” I said smiling.
The moment we walked through the door to his apartment Steven grabbed my hand and led me to his bedroom. I had never been to his bedroom before. It was a small space, big enough for a full sized bed, a small desk and two shelves filled with books and records.
Steven pushed me onto his bed, not wasting any time. He ripped off my coat and then his. I kicked my shoes off as he found his way on top of me. His lips were on my neck, ears, and collar bone as he settled himself between my legs. We had made out before but nothing more then excessive touching. Archer saw more of me in one night then Steven had in two months and I was more than ok with that. There was so much passion and heat in that moment with Archer that I wasn’t thinking clearly.
I was kissing Steven back becoming absorbed in the distraction of his firm lips when he pulled my shirt up over my head and then his. It was becoming increasingly obvious what Steven wanted to do. I was breathing heavy and I was enjoying the rush of doing something so sensual. It felt good, amazingly good. Everything was clear-cut with Steven and nothing was confusing. I appreciated that more then he could ever know. Being with him was easy, simple, and I liked those things. I bent my knees around his waist thankful that today was one of the rare days that wore jeans. It forced him to slow down a little bit.
Steven was kissing me everywhere and I moaned at the pressure of it. He found my lips again and pressed himself so hard against me that I could feel just how much he was enjoying this. I pushed my pelvis into him and he gasped. Our tongues were inside each others mouth as he lowed his hand to the button of my jeans and without thinking I mirrored his motion. He stood up pulling his pants off the rest of the way before tugging off mine. He was back on top of me in seconds pressing his hardness against me and started rocking back and for as we kissed. Holy crap I did not know growing up could feel like this. I rolled over on top of him, my hair cascading beside us and he ran his fingers through it. I laughed while still kissing him when his fingers got tangled in my curls so badly he couldn’t break free. He laughed with me, then kissed me so hard I thought I might burst.
“Damn, Ophelia I love this side of you,” he said as I trailed my lips along his chest. He was right, I was a totally different person when I felt like this. It was like all my pent up aggression came out of me. I felt passionate and alive. I never knew I would love hooking up so much. I wasn’t sure if that made slutty or not but I figured because I was doing this with my committed boyfriend, it didn’t. However, my transgressions with Archer may have been a little on the slutty side, but I wasn’t entirely sure about that. Couldn’t a girl just enjoy herself in the arms of someone else?
Steven grabbed my shoulders and rolled me over so that he was back on top of me, “I love every side of you actually.” He said looking deeply into my eyes.
I was breathing so heavy that it took me a minute to register what he was saying to me. His blue eyes looked so serious and his black hair was sticking up in every direction. It was obvious my hands and had been through it a couple times. I hand’t even noticed. His cheeks were flushed and it made wonder what I looked like. It was intense seeing this intimate side of each other.
“Don’t tell me you love me,” I finally said.
“Why not?” He looked hurt.
“Because I am not a good person.” He was on top of me so it was hard to look away from him even though I wanted to.
“Ophelia Mae Micheals, I love you,” He said anyway.
“I told you not to say that,” tears were in my eyes.
“You can’t tell me how to feel.” He said kissing the tip of my nose.
“Those words should be protected and saved for someone you truly love,” A lone tear leaked into my ear. I hated myself more then I ever have at this particular moment.
“I truly love you,” He said wiping the next tear with his thumb. Archer’s words about guarding hearts broke into my mind. I wasn’t guarding Steven’s heart from me. I liked him a lot, but I knew in my heart I didn’t love him and never would. Not like he loved me anyways. Archer’s words about meaningless hook-ups were lost on me then but I got it now. Not that this was meaningless but I was going to break Steven’s heart. In his mind I was his first love and now I was about to rip him wide open because I was selfish.
“I kissed someone else,” I said the tears now free falling out of my eyes as he slowly moved off of me. The hurt in his eyes was richer the Bill Gates.
“What? Who? I this why you were acting so odd a couple weeks ago?” I sat up so we were both sitting on the edge of the bed, above his blue plaid comforter, in our underwear.
“It’s not important. Whats important is that I don’t deserve you. You deserve someone that can give you their whole heart. I can’t give you mine.”
“Who?” He said again.
“It doesn’t matter.”
He looked at me now, “Ophelia we are seventeen and I have never felt for anyone the way I feel for you. We have only been together for a few months. I can’t expect you to take this as seriously as I have. I thought we were on the same page but obviously we aren’t”
“I’m so sorry.” I said wiping my tears. Why did this hurt so much? I didn’t want to loose Steven because he was shining beacon of happiness in my life right now. It was in this moment that I realized my heart was divided between a love I couldn’t have and a love that was right in front of me.
“Do you love me?” He asked, his voice was so weak.
“Maybe I could love you one day but I can’t say that I do now.” I answered honestly. He nodded slowly. I wasn’t sure what to do so I stood up and began collecting my clothes.
He grabbed my wrist and pulled me toward him. I dropped the few clothing items I had in my hands. He was sitting and I was standing. He pulled me toward him and I fell on his lap. Steven looked into my eyes and gave me a soft kiss. “Don’t go,” he said. He laid us on the bed so that he was on his back and I was laying his chest. His hands caressing my back and my arms curled underneath me. I was afraid to touch him, to hurt him more.
“Is this the end?” I asked lifting my head to look at him.
He nodded and it broke my heart in more ways then I could have imagined. He rolled me over so I was on my back and he was on top of me again. I looked into his ocean eyes as he kissed me so slowly it hurt.
“I want you Ophelia more then I’ve ever wanted anyone and more then that, I want you to have all of me.” He whispered kissing me devotedly.
Blinking back my tears I wrapped my hands wrapped around his back, his arms were beside my torso, his hands holding my face still as he kissed me earnestly. He kissed me as if he was trying to force me to love him in return. One hand lowered and tugged at my underwear and I let him take them off. He reached under me as I arched my back allowing him to take off my bra. I pulled off his boxers. He looked into my eyes, he was trembling and I was too.
I spread my legs and he started to push himself inside of me. He barely got the tip in before I pushed him off me. He looked shocked and confused. He was willing to forgive me, willing to wait until I could love him in back, but I wasn’t sure I ever could. He deserved so much better then a girl with a taken heart.
The moment Archer kissed me I knew that my heart only belonged to him. He was my person and that broke me in a way that I have never been broken before. I have lost a lot in my life but knowing my heart wasn’t allowed to love the one person it wanted too, tore me up limb for limb.
“You don’t deserve this Steven, I am only going to break your heart.”
“You’re breaking it right now.”
“Trust me it would be a lot worse if we gave our virginities to one another. I really like you Steven but we aren’t forever. I know that in my heart and I can’t let myself hurt you anymore.” I said while dressing.
“I’m sorry,” I said though my tears. It was hard leaving him in his room alone, and walking out of his life, but it wasn’t the hardest thing I ever had to. I knew however much I didn’t want this thing with Steven to end, it needed too. Because I needed to learn what it meant to guard my heart. To guard the hearts of those around me. Archer was changing me in ways he didn’t even know about.
Don’t hesitate to reach out!